Showbiz

Why You All Need To Follow Joan Collins On Twitter

Queen of the Glamazonian Rainforest, icon of glamour and of our time, and an undisputed gem of humanity en général, Joan Collins is the be-all and end-all. Period. The actress and author, perhaps most famous for her role as super-bitch, Alexis Carrington Colby in Dynasty, is one of the few remaining legends of Hollywood’s golden era.

The source of brilliant quotes, such as “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine”, Joan’s iconic glamour is matched only by her fiery wit, and her Twitter account, @JoanCollinsOBE is a treasure trove of Collins’ brilliance. Here are some of her best:

She remains flawlessly glamorous in the face of natural disasters:

Joan posted this meme of herself when her plane was struck by lightning and you just know that while other people were frantically panicking, Joan was the epitome of collected cool. You just know it.

Here’s another hilarious Tweet of Joan’s that is beyond aspirational, in which she and her sister, the equally gorgeous and divine author, Jackie Collins sip cocktails during an earthquake. Your faves could never and you know damn well they couldn’t.

She is the perfect juxtaposition of a grieving widow and a sexy señorita:

Joan arriving to your funeral and bringing you back to life through the medium of poignant glamour.

A portrait of Joan in the workplace:

Just like the rest of us, Joan goes through the daily grind to put bread on the table.

Joan is a constant source of virtual aspiration:

Encased amongst a mountainous collection of monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage, Joan’s life may be one of unattainable luxury but she makes you wanna work (bitch!) to get that LV!

Speaking of B.I.T.C.H.:

Y’all know I have a thing for iconic phone covers, but Joan trumps me with this baby. Kris Jenner, you may exit stage left because Joan is the Queen of F*cking Everything.

She looks fabulous in head-to-toe sequins:

Joan shines brighter than my future ever could in this exemplary ensemble.

She loves to party and would be THE BEST fun on a night out:

Angelica Huston, Joan and Jackie, shoulder pads, leopard print and a night on the cocktails. THE DREAM. Room for a little one, ladies?

And finally, Miley Cyrus has crafted her career around Joan Collins:

If Miley has a shred of decency in her over-exposed body, she will send Joan a cheque with backdated royalties.

Follow Joan for more delicious insights into her life: @JoanCollinsOBE!

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Music, Showbiz

An Idealistic Imagining of Kimye’s Wedding

cover p Amidst reports that Kim and Kanye are set to spend $75k per head on their forthcoming Parisian nuptials, even if this claim is untrue, there’s no denying that the marriage of two of pop culture’s biggest egoists will be a less-than-subtle affair. And I love Kimye all the more for their unyielding dedication to tasteless excess.

With that in mind, and with not much more than too much time on my hands now that exams are finished, Niamh and I began fantasising about what a Kimye wedding might entail and we got carried away, to say the least. We’ve been Keeping Up With The Kardashians since its glorious inception and thus, priding ourselves on our worryingly-extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of  what is ostensibly the world’s most famous family, we came up with a list of possibilities that is so extreme and excessive that in the world of Kimye, it just might happen.

Despite Kimye’s best attempts to fashion a more high-end aesthetic these days, the dream Kimye wedding would be an unabashed cesspit of tackorama and to be quite honest, I won’t really be happy if it’s anything less! Here is The Dream Kimye Wedding from the Gospel According to Jamie and Niamh:

The Dress:

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Lanvin? Balmain? McQueen? As if! Ideally, Kim would head straight to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’s Thelma Madine to create a one-off meringue of such gargantuan proportions, that Guinness World Records will make a petition to suggest it be recognised as a tenth planet. Clad in astronomical amounts of synthetic and highly flammable fibres, as Kim begins her walk up the unnecessarily long aisle, the venue descends into complete darkness and guests are advised to wear the specially provided sunglasses to avoid retina damage, as the bride enters. Illuminating the room with her freshly-sprayed skin that shines just on the right side of deep terracotta, Kim cuts a dazzling figure (literally) as her dress begins to gradually light up with neon lights that flash the message “Bound 2 U 4EVS”, which ends with a Photoshopped image of Kim and Kanye in the guise of William and Kate’s wedding picture that emanates from her Swarovski-encrusted bustier. Kanye weeps.

Kim walks up the aisle to Bound 2:

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Well this just seems obvious, doesn’t it? This is Kim’s third wedding, so the virginal chimes of Here Comes The Bride were even a little too ironic for Kimye, so they settled on Kanye’s hit song dedicated to his then-fiancée. And with touching and moving lyrics such as “I want to f*ck you hard on the sink, after that get you something to drink, step back can’t get spunk on the mink”, the track seems wholly appropriate for the union between a woman who started her career on her back and a man who dedicates his life to rapping about it. Ah-ha, honey.

The resurrection of Kim’s kitten, Mercy Mercayyyyyyyyy as ring-bearer:

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Remember in Season 3 of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami when Kanye gifted Kimberley with the adorable Mercy? Of course you do! Kim was devastated when she had to give Mercy away to Khloe’s assistant because of her allergies and even more distraught when Mercy passed away after four months on the earth. However, Kanye had a word with the Gods – Beyoncé and Jay Z, and they agreed to release the kitten back onto the earth for Mommy’s big day. However, North is furious and in an extreme bout of sibling envy, tries, unsuccessfully, to smother Mercy under Kim’s seemingly never-ending train.

The wedding will be officiated by a specially programmed hologram of Anna Wintour:

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Following Kimye’s gracing of US Vogue, the least the pair could do is pay homage to its editor-in-chief and what greater way to honour Anna Wintour than by hiring will.i.am to program a special hologram of her to oversee the ceremony. Through the wonders of modern technology, Wintour will virtually unite Kim and Kanye in matrimony in a blessing that appropriately ends with “That’s all.”

Guests will be greeted with a complimentary shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk upon arrival at the reception:

In the same season of KKTM, viewers witnessed Kim use her sister’s breast-milk as a cure for her psoriasis and while Kourtney rudely refused to pump some milk to feed a thirsty Mercy, she has been much kinder for Kim’s big day. As guests arrive to the sprawling Parisian castle, waiting staff will offer a shot of Kourtney’s breast-milk, which she spent over six months extracting.

Kris’ special wedding speech:

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Momager and matriarch, Kris Jenner has had more than a guiding hand in her favourite daughter’s career so it seems appropriate that on her wedding day, Kris would trace the roots of Kim’s illustrious career. As the woman who famously said she was furious when she found out about Kim’s infamous sex tape, but as her manager, she realised she had a job to do, it seems fitting that Kris would begin her mother of the bride speech with a thank you to Ray J for catapulting her entire family to stardom. 

The Gift bag:

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A high point of Kimye’s wedding gift bag includes a voucher for a free arse lick from Kim’s shadow, Jonathan Cheban. In fairness, Jonathan is a PR powerhouse in his own right but he rose to prominence through his high-profile friendship with Kim Kardashian. Cheban can be seen in any given KUWTK episode schmoozing and sucking up to the Kardashian klan. Guests at Kimye’s nuptials can enjoy the same level of Chebanian sycophancy with this free arse lick, which is never-expiring as Jonathan is only all too happy to please. On the subject of arses, guests will also receive an autographed X-Ray of Kim’s much commented-on derrière to prove that it’s all real.

The Brawl:

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In a scene more befitting of an episode of Eastenders rather than the wedding of the #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple (ugh, why, Anna?), the reception ends in carnage as Khloe Kardashian’s real father turns up.

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Showbiz

Victoria Beckham’s Best Airport Catwalks

Victoria Beckham once Tweeted “The airport is my runway” and à mon avis, never has a truer word been virtually uttered. As promised, in the run-up to the designer’s 40th birthday, I am dedicating a series of posts to the darling doyenne of the fashion world and today’s blog is a look back at some of Victoria’s chicest airport outfits. From Inspector Gadget-type get-ups to full-on runway regalia, Victoria Beckham always looks immaculate as she is about to board a flight. Ever the canny marketer, Victoria knows that she is the best ambassador for her own label and never misses an opportunity to showcase her designs as she catwalks through LAX or Heathrow, dressed in in an eponymously-labelled creation, combined with towering heels, a steely pout and her trademark shades. What a woman.

Arriving at LAX for a London-bound flight, Victoria channelled Inspector Gadget. Perfectly, may I add!

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Arriving in LA in 2007 to begin their new American life, Victoria starts as she means to go on, in figure-hugging Roland Mouret:

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Victoria, roll up the Partition please! VB looks decidedly chauffeur-like at Heathrow, in her bold Balmain and in-your-face Birkin combo:

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That time Victoria arrived at Heathrow as an Audrey Hepburn tribute act:

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I am sorry, but how can you look like this in an airport? QUEEN!

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That time she compromised and wore Lanvin flats to board a flight:

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The one time Victoria got it wrong. Very, very wrong. At least she’s human:

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She can do casual airport chic too, though:

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But she’s at her best when she’s strutting through an airport with Harper:

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Like, she really is:

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I mean, come on!

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But, yeah, keep walking towards greatness Victoria!

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And when you find a piece that works, design it in multiple colours and show it off as you fly to Paris:

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And why not wear it in a different colour as you arrive back in Heathrow from Paris Fashion Week?

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Victoria saves the best for JFK, though:

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Burberry beauty:

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More the Big Orange, than the Big Apple! (Sorry)

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Victoria mistaking Beijing Airport for a runway, but SLAYIN’:

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Finally, fear not, because there was that one time in 2003, when Victoria’s ‘shits given’ level was in minus figures and this is what she wore to board a flight in Heathrow. (This was around the time VB was obsessed with making it as an edgy R ‘n’ B artist…)

2003

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Showbiz

Victoria Beckham’s Best Quotes

 

My adulation for Victoria Beckham is no secret and as the fashion designer turns 40 this week, I thought it appropriate to dedicate a series of blog posts to the lady herself. First up is a collection of some her best and most inspiring (?) quotes with the pop princess-turned-style maven offering pearls of wisdom on everything from child rearing to her husband’s famous package. Victoria may have left her days as a naughty Spice Girl behind her, but even as she approaches the big FOUR O, she proves that she is still the same cheeky Essex girl she always was, despite being clad head-to-toe in eponymous designer creations. 

Her expert knowledge of sport:

“I don’t know much about football, but I know what a goal is and surely that’s the main thing about football.”

Her teenage ambition:

“I want to be as famous as Persil Automatic.” ICONIC BEYOND WORDS.

On her infamous pout:

“I actually used to smile a lot in pictures. I think I only stopped smiling when I got into fashion. Fashion stole my smile.”

On Goldenballs’, erm, golden balls:

“He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe.” Jaysis, Victoria.

 That time she could have been mistaken for Socrates:

“Sometimes the easiest things are always the hardest.” P-R-O-F-O-U-N-D.

On self-representation:

“I don’t want to be seen smiling or eating, perish the thought!”

She isn’t afraid to poke fun at herself:

“They always say ‘David is so handsome and she’s so funny’, which basically means you’re a pig with a sense of humour.”

 She says things like this and I think she’s actually being serious:

“I can’t concentrate in flats.”

The notions on her when she brought Harper shopping when she was still a newborn baby:

“I brought Harper into Prada and she loved it. It was as if she was saying ‘Mummy, I’m home.’”

She actually does have a grip on reality, though:

“You have to remember that when you’re a performer you become a celebrity, but you are not saving lives. It’s not that important.”

Proving that she and David are the most perfect celebrity parents:

“My children bloody will work!” Same as myself, same as David. They’re not going to be kids who just hang about. I want them to be able to fulfil their passions, but I think it’s important that the children grow up and have respect for themselves.”

When she loves something:

“This is MAJOR!”

ANYTIME you ask her what her clothing line is about:

“It’s about empowering women.” EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

She now expresses the 90’s Girl Power zeitgeist of the Spice Girls with a more grown-up grasp on feminism:

“It is thought provoking how a man in charge can be described as commanding, but a woman in the same situation may be called bossy.”

The pros and cons of being a style icon:

“I love my heels, but I have to go to a sex shop to get this spray to polish them.”

She is kind to animals and paints her dog’s nails to make her feel glam:

“It is dog-friendly nail polish, before we even go there because I know that is an issue. She’s a bulldog and she needs all the help she can get. We try to feminize her a little bit and make her feel sexy.”

She has the same concerns as the rest of us:

“I’m getting really self-conscious that I’m starting to look like a miserable bitch.”

And finally, some solid life advice:

“If you haven’t got it, fake it!”

Never change, Victoria. EVER. Happy 40th Birthday, you perfect creature.

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Showbiz

The Notions of Kim Kardashian

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I am sitting in the college library with just over a month to go until exams and as I look out onto a sea of studious burgeoning academics, all I can think about is Kim Kardashian. I know, I KNOW! Fresh off the cover of American Vogue, there has never been a more fitting time to examine the disposition of the world’s most famous reality TV star, and if we are to believe Anna Wintour, one half of the ghastly-hashtagged #WorldsMostTalkedAboutCouple. You see, we Irish are fond of the word ‘notions’ and the concept behind it is a simple one – it is a jocular insult hurled at someone who has an idea above their station or is getting too big for their boots. And there are few people who have ideas above their stations bigger than Kim Kardashian. As a woman who started her career on her back, only to become a Vogue covergirl a decade later, Kim is a reminder that every dream is valid and achievable. In one sense, Kim’s ascension to the A-List (and she most definitely is, whether you care to admit it or not) is an inspirational tale of a girl who started from her the bottom and ‘worked’ her way up. She had an idea above her station and look where it got her! Let’s all celebrate the notions of Kim Kardashian. #Notions

She once thought she could sing and recorded the iconic single, Jam (Turn It Up):

If you ever needed a definition for #notions, here it is. I am not in the business of likening Kim Kardashian’s musical efforts to significant events in Irish history, but when W.B. Yeats wrote “A terrible beauty is born” in his poem, Easter 1916, it seems like a foreshadowing description of Kimberley’s pop foray. Deliciously monotone and repetitive, this really is a gift!

This is what she looked like when she dressed up as Diana Ross:

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HOLD ME BECAUSE I CANNOT COPE.

She stole Kourtney’s breaskmilk because it cured her psoriasis and then asked Kourtney to pump some more so she could feed her cat, Mercy.

I don’t actually know where to begin with this one, so I just won’t, because I just can’t.

She X-Rayed her ass:

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Tired of reports that her infamous derriere was surgically enhanced, Kim knew the only way to prove that her rear was au naturel was by wasting a doctor’s valuable time and having her mahoooooosive behind X-Rayed to prove it was all real. Khloe then posted this picture on her blog of Kim looking decidedly smug and I think it’s beyond hilarious.

On her heritage:

“I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal.”

She kind of thinks she is Elizabeth Taylor:

“I buy myself a gift every year, so this year I bought everything I wanted.” (Also, Harper’s Bazaar bizarrely allowed Kim to interview Elizabeth Taylor and it is the last known interview with the iconic actress. Kim asked her the most vacuous questions, naturally, but read it here.)

She thinks she can forge a friendship with Beyoncé:

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She is not subtle about her thirst for the D:

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She hashtagged #Enlightenment to show that she is #Cultured

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Kim is on holidays in Thailand with her family at the minute and in a series of Instagram pictures, Kim shows her millions of followers how she is either #blesssed, #enlightened or has #etiquette as she takes part in local traditions.

She tried to take a selfie with an elephant and this happened:

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Let’s not forget that she named her child after a direction!

Before baby North, or Nori was born, there were plenty of rumours that Kim was going to call her unborn daughter after a compass direction, but with such ridiculous claims even refuted by Kim herself, nobody really believed she would do such a thing. So when Kim gave birth and actually did name her child North, the Internet was sent into a frenzied meltdown. She is the ultimate fairy, with heaps of #notions.

Even though she has notions above her station, she admits she is still a regular, flawed human!

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On her support for Barack Obama’s politics:

“He just seemed very firm about the change, and that’s like, his motto.”

She died her hair blonde and thought it made her look like a different person:

“I dunno, they say I look like a different ethnicity. Nobody has been recognising me!”

That time she lost her $75,000 earring in the ocean but Kourtney was having none of Kim’s #notions

And finally, her most iconic #notion of all:

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BOW DOWN BITCHES, BOW DOWN.

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Fashion, Showbiz

10 Times Harper Beckham was Adorable in Yellow

Those of you who follow me on Twitter will know that I’m all about the strong female and the ostensible pop culture queen of female empowerment, Victoria Beckham is my guiding star. Girl power, etc. If you do follow me, then you will also be aware of my endless love and adulation for her adorable two-year-old daughter, Harper Seven, who I truly believe to be the cutest child in the history of existence. In and amongst my dedication to superlatives resides a little(?) obsession with the whole Beckham family and Harper is fast becoming my favourite female family member – Vicky, you’ve got some comp, bbz. So if you ever need a reminder that the world is a beautiful and enchanting place, here are 10 instances of Harper, looking impossibly-cute in a variety of yellow hues. Everyone smile and coo in equal measure.

1. Moody look into the distance with Daddy being v. tanned:

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2. Well someone’s gotta smile in this family!

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3. That time when Harper was moody:

4. That time when Harper walked:

5. Becoming the diva I was born to be:

6. Not much, just loving my life!

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6. Kisses for his princess: 

7. Harper not being able to cope with her life. Loves it, do you love it?

8. Yes, overlap with 7, but does that matter when you’re this cute?

9. Repeated image, but LOOK, she is walking!

10. Literally too glam to give a damn. Over and out. 

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Reviews

Re-Launch of Dublin’s Waldorf Barbershop

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The Waldorf Babershop on Dublin’s Westmoreland Street, which is responsible for crafting some of the city’s slickest beards and quiffs, is re-launching what it has to offer its unassumingly cool clientele, as part of RTE’s The Takeover.

The barbershop, which has been in business in the heart of the city since 1929 is offering a new beard and hair menu that merges the classic with the contemporary and last night, the staff of the Waldorf invited some of the city’s top bloggers and style commentators to join them for a fashion show to showcase its updated and revamped menus.

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Image Guests were treated to delicious whiskey cocktails and mingled amongst the chimes of old school Rockabilly tunes before some 1950’s dancers set the mood for the main event. Led by the brilliantly warm, funny and knowledgeable Catherine, models paraded down the barbershop, which served as a runway for the night, showing off a range of beards and hairstyles that played to the tastes of every type of guy. Old school Pompadour quiffs were juxtaposed amongst the more modern College Contour style, as models ranged from the mature gent to the, to quote Catherine, “baby faced” young guy. Something for everyone!

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The words ‘cool and hip’ have perhaps lost their significance as they are bandied around all too freely these days, but the Waldorf is genuinely and authentically both of these things, without even trying. For the past 85 years, it has been responsible for some of the city’s slickest hairstyles and following last night’s re-launch, I can’t see why it won’t be around for another 85!

Follow Waldorf Barber on Twitter @WaldorfBarber and check them out on Facebook right here. 

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