Lifestyle, Ramblings

Lust

Like tumbling ivy gripping the walls of an old country house, they gather vehemently in every corner, expanding almost exponentially as the weeks pass by. Some are scattered, others are arranged neatly and lovingly, while some peek from the corners, urging to be noticed, absorbed and cherished.

Books. Lots of books. Hundreds of page turners, one hit wonders, classics et al fill the tiny space that is my bedroom. The one bookshelf that sufficed many, many years ago now suffering under the weight of its literary oppressors. Over the years I have acquired a hefty collection of reading material which now begs to be housed in the most delectable of surroundings.

I love a good bookshelf. I’d love a good bookshelf. Any one of these take your fancy as much as they steal mine?

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Ramblings, Showbiz

Victoria smiles: I die

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I know I said I wasn’t going to blog while I’m in California for the summer, but as I woke up this morning, my various social media timelines looked pointedly different and unfamiliar and this just has to be addressed.

Then I saw it. And then I saw another one. Then there were more. My heart leapt out of my chest and breathing became difficult. How was I meant to cope? This wasn’t meant to happen. I wasn’t prepared for this. My body went into shock. She isn’t meant to do this.

My long-held obsesh with VB reached new levels today when I found these pics of her smiling. I have no words. I still can’t even deal with it. She is delish in every way. Bury me in Gucci.

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Music, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

What I expect from Baby Kimye | Jamie Tuohy

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The announcement that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian are with child is a momentous occasion in the history of celebrity culture. Not since Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to an Apple has there been so much fuss about a celebrity offspring. Baby Kimye’s arrival will make Harper Beckham’s birth look like a stable delivery, as the Kardashian Klan will almost certainly treat this pregnancy with Messianic expectation. Therefore, with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek, I decided to take a look at what life might have in store for Baby Kimye (which, in case you haven’t copped by now, is thoroughly and wholeheartedly in jest).

Kimberly Ⅱ

Kimberly Ⅱ

THE BABY SHOWER

A televised event, naturally. Baby Kimye will have the baby shower to end all baby showers. Kris will take charge of this, taking Kimye’s predilection for leather into account, incorporating whips, chains and all things bondage into proceedings, paying subtle homage to her daughter’s initiation into the world of celebrity. Sexual, but understated – there are kids around after all. Gifts will include some holistic birthing aids from Kourtney and Scott, Khloe and Lamar will offer themselves as godparents and Kendall and Kylie will make a ‘totally fab’ video to be shown to Baby Kimye when he/she is older. Jay  Z will make an appearance out of respect for his best mate Kanye, but Beyoncé will be washing her weave that day. However, Kelly Rowland will do her best Bey impression and serenade Kim’s tummy with Destiny’s Child classics. Paris Hilton will turn up with some personalised “That’s Hot” baby gifts, but will be refused entry. Poor mite.

THE BIRTH

A paradox – dramatic, yet monotonous. A 2 part E! Special will be dedicated to the event, detailing the moment Kim’s waters break in Baby Gap right through to the moment Kendall films the arrival of Baby Kimye. The hospital room which is filled with the Kardashians and the Wests will erupt into simultaneous shrieking and rapping and as Kim gets her make-up touched up, she will look into Baby Kimye’s eyes and with a hint of emotion, she will smile and declare “how fab!”

THE NAME

The cynic inside me wonders whether Kim got with Kanye simply to continue her family’s frenetic exercise in alliteration. Never has there been a family as dedicated to the letter K as the Kardashian Klan. As Kim is the main breadwinner, one can only hope that Baby Kimye, be it a boy or girl will have a name beginning with the Kardashian’s favourite letter, thus continuing the familial brand. Regardless of gender, I’m feeling something with a hint of white-trash. Something that will look good in lights – possible suggestions include, Kacey, Kassandra, Krystal, Kaden, Kalisha, Kalina, Kalysta, Koko, Kandi, Kassy, Kegan, Kole, Konrad, Kingston, Kipling, Kameron., Kanye 2.0 and KimberlyⅡ.

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

Or what about a boy? Kanye 2.0

THE FIRST BIRTHDAY

Baby Kimye will celebrate his or her first birthday on stage with daddy Kanye and mummy Kim, who will roll out a 10-tier birthday cake to rapturous applause from the arena. Wearing diamond-encrusted ear-muffs and a D&G suit, Baby Kimye will smile for the world’s media and Blue Ivy will strut onto stage to give her best mate a birthday hug. Beyoncé will observe from the wings, having previously instructed baby Blue to walk onto the stage, give the hug and then get off as soon as possible. Baby Blue will stay longer than anticipated, as Kim picks her up in her arms and holds her up to the crowd, because Kim is wearing fur, so she thinks it will be ‘like a super cute Lion King moment.’ Beyoncé will cringe backstage and a part of her may well possibly die.

BABY KIMYE’S FIRST REALITY TV SHOW

Just as Will and Kate’s son will be the most famous royal child, superseding all of the Queen’s other great-grandchildren, Baby Kimye will similarly overshadow young Mason and Penelope Scotland to become the most ubiquitous of Kris’ grandchildren. After making numerous appearances since birth in mummy’s reality TV show, E! executives will decide it’s time to give the then 8-year-old Kimye child his or her first reality TV show which will detail his or her ambitions to become the next Willow Smith, as they try to carve out a career as a rapper. Kanye will advise and there will be a number of special-guest appearances from other well-known celeb offspring. Harper Beckham will stroll in to advise Child Kimye on how to create a totally awesome clothing line for super funky kids. However, Harper will disapprove of Child Kimye’s excessive use of leopard print and sequins in the collection, storming out of the playhouse, as Child Kimye repeatedly refuses her protestations to adopt a more minimalist approach. The first single, with guest vocals from Blue Ivy will mark the beginning of Child Kimye’s path to rebellion, as he/she entitles the single Superstar, unaware of a video his/her mother made some years before he/she entered the world, with the same unfortunate title.

THE TEENAGE YEARS

While Mason and Penelope will have benefited from their boarding-school education in the Hamptons, Kim and Kanye will have home-schooled Teenage Kimye, teaching a variety of necessitous Kardashian/West modules, including “How to live a totally fab life” (Kim’s favourite) and “How to pull off double leather with gold chains”, taught by daddy Kanye. Nicki Minaj will guest lecture with the essential “How not to be a basic bitch” course and at the age of eighteen, Teenage Kimye will turn down a place at UCLA to study Twitter and decide to go it alone in the real world instead. Teenage Girl Kimye will have a brief, but much-documented liaison with any given member of One Direction, after following Kim’s advice to date an older guy. Teenage Boy Kimye will similarly hook up with Rebecca Black, on what will undoubtedly be a dark day for the family. To make it worse, the story will break on a Friday. Kanye will start to worry about his offspring’s street-cred.

kanye and kim

THE FIRST MARRIAGE

Having decided it’s time to settle down at the ripe old age of 22, Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱwill get married in a lavish affair on Brooklyn Beckham’s yacht in the Seychelles. The dress code will strictly read ‘real classy, yet sexy. Animal print essential.’ The guests will closely resemble an equatorial rainforest and Mummy and Daddy Kimye will sort it out with the then President Oprah to declare the wedding a national holiday and it will be beamed into billions of television screens across the world. The marriage will appropriately last 72 days. The cycle shall begin again until the now divorced Kanye 2.0 or Kimberly Ⅱ meets his/her prince/princess and begins to produce Kimye Version 3.

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Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Reviews, Showbiz, Television

My favourite things from 2012 | Jamie Tuohy

As 2012 draws to an end, I felt it was appropriate to round up the year with a look at some of my favourite things from the last 12 months. An exercise in self-indulgence, if truth be told. (The only exercise I ever do).

MY FAVOURITE PERSON

CHEZBOMB

Was there ever a doubt? It has to be Cheryl. After meeting her, could it be anyone else? Like a pint-sized Aphrodite with her adorable dimples and flowing, tousled brown locks, Cheryl was a vision to behold when I met her back in October. The obsession will never die. 2012 was a great year for Cheryl, with her first solo arena tour, the release of her third album and autobiography and of course, the much-anticipated reunion with Girls Aloud. All hail Queen Cheryl.

MY FAVOURITE SONG

call my name CO

Call My Name by Cheryl. Obviously. After a short sabbatical, Cheryl returned with her impossibly-catchy, fist-pumping collaboration with Calvin Harris which resulted in Call My Name becoming No. 1.

MY FAVOURITE BOOK

the dinner

The Dinner by Herman Koch. The plotline is easily explained. Two couples meet in an Amsterdam restaurant and skirt around the fact that their sons have committed a grievous crime. The book details each course and as the evening progresses, the barriers break down and it’s revealed each couple isn’t as different as the guilty son they are trying to protect. Paul and Serge Lohman, together with their respective wives Claire and Babette must confront their own consciences in this beguiling tale of biased morality and personal loyalty.

MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW

REVENGE

Without a doubt, it has to be Revenge. Emily Thorne’s quest for filial vengeance against the Graysons is set in the Hamptons and makes for fascinating and unpredictable drama. Mike Kelley has created one of the best shows in years and the retributive offerings and antics of Emily Thorne was most certainly a 2012 TV highlight.

MY FAVOURITE MOVIE

wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. A coming-of-age drama about an awkward teenager who struggles with self-confidence before finally being accepted into an eccentric circle of friends sounds like a typically clichéd teenage movie. However, The Perks of Being a Wallflower far exceeds its general outline, just as its central character’s timorous disposition transcends the realms of everyday teenage angst. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is the movie adaptation of Stephen Chbosky’s first novel of the same name and while I initially went to see the movie solely to see how Emma Watson was ‘coming along’ since Harry Potter, the flick co-starring Logan Lerman and Ezra Miller became my favourite film of the year. Check out my review here.

MY FAVOURITE TWEETER

IRISH

@irishmammies – every time. Colm O’Regan is the genius behind this motherly account which relays all the hilarious witticisms of the Irish Mammy everyone loves. From sayings like “will you have it in bowl or a wafer?” and “there’s a fierce draught”, @irishmammies has become my favourite Twitter account, offering a sense of familiarity and hilarity in the vast cyber sphere. The book it has spawned Isn’t it well for ye? The Book  of Irish Mammies is also well worth the read.

MY FAVOURITE GADGET

MY IPAD

I got an iPad as a Christmas present and it has swiftly become my favourite gadget. LIKE, EVER. I can see why it is Oprah’s all-time favourite invention. I can’t fathom how I lived without it. Je l’adore.

MY FAVOURITE PURCHASE

mass jump

There have been a few, but this Massimo Dutti jumper comes out on top. A gorgeous blend of wool and cashmere, I’m treasuring it forever, and wearing it incessantly. Sorry to all the aviator jackets that didn’t make the cut – especially to my denim one, you little beaut.

MY FAVOURITE QUOTE

jimism 1

Beating Macbeth, is my housemate Jim Murphy, with his hilarious aphorisms. On seeing hot French people in a queue for a club, Jim noted,

“I LOVE French people. These French rides were like “bonjour” and I was like “BON-FUCKING-JOUR!” (Please note, this is most effective when said in a strong Cork accent. Sheer brilliance!)

For more of these hilarious one liners, check out the Facebook page dedicated to all of the Jimisms here. Give it a live – you really won’t regret it.

MY FAVOURITE IRISH CELEBRITY

rosanna

Rosanna Davison. 2012 was definitely Rosanna’s year and she got the nation talking back in September by becoming the first Irishwoman to pose on the cover of German Playboy. The sizzling shoot undoubtedly earned Rosanna a whole new army of fans, but equally the cynics were out in force. What’s so admirable about Rosanna is the way she handled the whole situation – proving herself to be an intelligent and articulate woman who is in control of her own career. Rosanna showed how the shoot was about female empowerment as much as it was about looking gorgeous. 2013 is looking bright!

MY FAVOURITE SURPRISE

GHETTO BABY

Cheryl really treated me in 2012. When she released the raunchy new video for the Lana Del Rey-penned track Ghetto Baby it made her soldiers’ Christmas. Nobody expected it and it was a welcomed treat. Plus it’s her steamiest and hottest one yet, with lots of Trezza action. Watch it here.

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jamie and chez
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Music, Ramblings, Showbiz

The night before Cheryl | Jamie Tuohy

‘Twas the night before Cheryl and all through the house, Jamie was hyper like a big girl’s blouse.

Okay, let’s not skirt around the issue, tomorrow is D-Day. It’s as significant as the day when yer man walked on the moon. It’s as important as when that adventurer fellow stumbled upon an unexplored America. Okay, in this case, significance might be ever so slightly subjective, but make no bones about it, tomorrow will be MAJOR.

It is of course, the day when Cheryl Cole finally gets to meet Jamie Tuohy. She has been waiting for this ever since she tweeted him ‘Happy Birthday Babe’ and sent him a flirty winky face in response to a generic, but hilarious chat-up line. By all accounts, Cheryl is buzzing. Word has it that Jamie is quite excited as well.

I’m not even employing hyperbole when I say that I am slowly losing the ability to speak and process my thoughts in a coherent manner. I am randomly referring to myself in the third person – a typically self-indulgent, but equally strange thing to do. My mind has become warped by a sense of Cheryl foreboding. What will I say? What will she say? Will it be a summer or winter wedding? Or a spring affair?

Anyone who knows me can testify to my Cheryl obsession. Even for anyone who sporadically reads this blog, my predilection for all things Chezza is as perceptible as her beauty.

A word of warning: if you thought my blog post on Nigella Lawson was a lengthy expression of a deep affiliation, just wait until you read the post that I’ll be putting up about my meeting with Cheryl Cole. The Da Vinci Code will look like a pamphlet in comparison.

For now, I must go and try and catch some of that breath I’ve lost in anticipation of tomorrow night!

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nigellisima
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

My obsession with Nigella Lawson | Jamie Tuohy

Jack Whitehall said that he does not walk across a stage, but he glides, and similarly, when Nigella Lawson beckons me to enter her paradisiacal and idealised world of culinary carnality, she isn’t simply showing me how to cook the perfect ‘prodigious pavlova’, but rather she is seducing me through the medium of her own self-styled food porn. With each silky smooth, alliterative utterance, I bow and worship at the altar of Nigella, for no other reason other than a self-induced devotion to this Domestic Goddess. The Gospel according to Nigella calls for gluttony, covetousness, decadence, and my favourite thing of all – excess.

My love for Nigella began when she gently guided me through the making of a chocolate cloud cake and steadily progressed when she mentioned slut’s spaghetti. By the time she offered me a chocolate cherry trifle, I had fallen for her hook, line and sinker. Obsessed might be a more apt word, but, as Oscar Wilde once said, “moderation is a fatal thing, nothing succeeds like excess.” And in the world of Nigella, nothing flourishes better than superabundance – from her well-stocked larder, right down to her lavishly verbose and implicitly sexual vocabulary.

Admittedly, there is something almost primal about my love/obsession for this woman. She is the culinary, bourgeois leader and I am the all-too-willing to acquiesce subject. She suggests her Flameware Tagine is an excellent kitchen apparatus for slow-roasting vegetables and within hours, I am confirming my order on Amazon for one in black. I’ll probably impulse buy a parmesan grater as well, because Nigella says it will cut the cheese into sandy rubble rather than aerated threads. At the minute, I’m trying to orchestrate a situation whereby I require a KitchenAid mixer, just like Nigella’s, but as a student, the opportunities for using one are few and far between. At this stage, it looks like my mother’s Christmas present will be a Farrow & Ball cream KitchenAid, just so I can excessively tweet Nigella about how alike we are.

What I really love about Nigella is her seemingly nonchalant effort to food and life. She tells us not to follow instructions or recipes slavishly, but rather to adapt and work with what you’ve got. She frequently tells us that she’s too lazy to peel her potato skins or that she’s using canned tomatoes, because they’re ‘just easier to deal with.’ It seems like everything is effortless for her, but this nonchalance is closely followed by her hilariously wild presumptions. I can only love her even more for thinking that everyone can pop into their expansive larder for some sugar craft poinsettia, or a dash of sumac. Nigella grew up as the daughter of an MP father, her mother who was an heiress and socialite, and she lives in a £12.3 million London home, so she can be forgiven if her notions of accessible kitchen accoutrements are decidedly grand.

However, what’s so appealing about Nigella is in fact, despite her apparently salubrious upbringing, she is wholeheartedly down-to-earth, completely unassuming and totally self-deprecating. She refutes the notion that she is a chef, claiming that she doesn’t have the training or skilful expertise to merit such a title. She says she simply cooks for pleasure and admits that, despite following her passion, she is somewhat self-indulgent. She may sugar-coat her recipes, but Nigella does not sugar-coat the truth. She’s refreshingly honest in an industry that is notoriously duplicitous.

If she’s too lazy to cook, she tells us. She confesses that the reason she doesn’t have to worry about what she eats is because she wears an elasticated waistband – which is a nice antidote to the usual celebrity spiel of “running after my kids keeps me fit.”

Of course, perhaps the most enticing attribute of this Domestic Goddess is her sui generis presenting style. Before Nigella, melted chocolate and butter was not a “mesmeric ravishing pool” and a pasta carbonara wasn’t “beautiful, pale and heavenly.” Yes, Nigella’s sensual and oftentimes evocative descriptions of food have become her celebrated trademark. They have even led to a top 10 innuendo countdown. As she sifts through flour, marvels at her “golden globules”, or talks about the “hint of inner thigh wibble” in a cheesecake, each time she cooks, Nigella presents a lesson on the sexuality of gastronomy.

As she smiles sadistically before she beats a chicken to death, she turns towards the camera and says, “I love and respect a chicken but for all that, I am going to behave pretty brutishly to it.” She is literally decapitating a chicken and she makes it look sexy. She is a gorgeous woman, but for me, her most appealing characteristic is definitely her propensity for verbosity. As she piles berries on top of a cake, she’ll declare, “How beautiful these juicy beaded blackberries look, glinting darkly out of that pale billowing duvet of cream.” Genius.

Nigella says that she never wanted to do TV and compared to her “initial, earnest self”, she has “ran away and joined the circus.” She has said that as a young journalist, she had great ambitions to write the major novel of the twentieth century and sort of “fell into food writing and presenting by accident.” It’s a fall I am duly grateful for. The word ‘fate’ is bantied around too freely these days, but surely Nigella Lawson was in some way, predestined for life of gastronomic sexuality.

Who else can make her Marigolds look like Agent Provocateur’s finest or tempt one to spend hundreds on relatively expendable kitchen gadgets? But if Nigella says a spoon rest is an essential kitchen utensil, I’ll take two – in high-gloss cream and shiny red, please. The beauty of Nigella Lawson is that from the outside, her world seems highly idealised. No measurements or definitions are needed. Everything is relaxed and casual and punctuated by mood lighting. Even if the private Nigella is antithetical to the perceived Domestic Goddess figure, it doesn’t really matter, because, idealism, like obsession is an addiction and Nigella inspires blind devotion.

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Ramblings, Showbiz, Television, Uncategorized

In celebration of Caroline Flack’s addiction to shorts

Caroline Flack is one beautiful woman, and she has some of the best legs in the business. Therefore, it’s no surprise that she regularly (read as constantly) takes to wearing shorts to show off her shapely pins. It isn’t hard to see why a certain boy band member was attracted to this oh so Styles-ish TV presenter, as her sui generis addiction to shorts has become her celebrated trademark.

Let’s take a look at Caroline’s nougarclobber:

*Nougar: a new breed of COUGAR. As opposed to their leopard print wearing, collagen-enhanced counterparts, the nougar is a newly divorced, 30 something-year-old, with a penchant for college teens. You will recognise them through their penchant for pastel colours, Peter Pan collars and Topshop caparisons.

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aaron johnson
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Movies, Music, Ramblings, Showbiz, Television

Celebrities ‘Then and Now’: The Transformations | Jamie Tuohy

Following the metamorphosis of Aaron Johnson that has been much reported on in the last number of weeks, I decided to take a look at the changing faces of certain celebrities. From their school days’ snaps as children, to their awkward year book photos, there are a certain number of famous faces, for whom puberty and time; have been very kind. Others, as you will see, appear to have had a little helping hand when it comes to Hollywood perfection, but there are certain celebrities for whom beauty and gorgeousness are simply part of their incredibly enviable genetic make-up.

THE KIDS

Kate Moss:

Even as a school girl, Kate Moss was incredibly pretty. Her innocent visage and ‘butter wouldn’t melt’ smile may now be wholly ironic aspects to the modern-day grown up Kate, but as an uber-cute school girl, Kate Moss was already showing her super-model potential.

Justin Timberlake:

Long before he became a boyband member, a solo artist and an actor, Justin Timberlake was honing his performance skills in Disney’s Mickey Mouse Club and his penchant for performing can be seen from an early age. Long before being crowned one of the sexiest men alive, Justin was dressing up as a cute, albeit slightly cringe-worthy cowboy. I’m sure he can thank his mother …

Kim Kardashian:

I can only imagine how jealous Kim Kardashian’s friends must have been of her as a child. Even as a little girl, Kim’s beauty was apparent. Looking like the cutest little girl in the world, with a similar Moss-esque innocence, Kim’s sexy grown up image is a far cry away from her bow-wearing school days.

Khloe Kardashian:

I don’t want to be mean, so I’m just going to let this picture speak for itself.

George Clooney:

If ever anybody had a reason to write a thank-you letter to puberty, it’s George Clooney. Widely acknowledged as one of the best-looking men in the world, George’s early snaps are a long long LONG way away from his grown-up preened Hollywood image. Geeky glasses and an unfortunate haircut – this picture will serve as hope for millions of young guys around the world.

The Beckhams:

David and Victoria Beckham are one of the best looking couples in the world and not a whole lot has changed since their early days. Well, David has retained his cheeky grin, and has been hitting he gym, but Victoria looks pretty much the same – minus the smile and most likely, a few pounds. Seriously?! Is she actually the same weight as she was when she was 7?

One Direction:

This is the picture that will set millions of young girls around the world ‘ohhing’ and ‘ahhing’ over their heartthrobs. So, I’m not going to add to the fangirling with a conspicuously sycophantic commentary.

Sarah Jessica Parker:

I am refusing to make any equine-related gags. Well done Sarah, you’ve matured well.

THE TEENS / Twenty-Somethings

Lady Gaga:

Before she began telling everyone that they were ‘Born This Way’ and asking people to ‘put their paws up’, Lady Gaga was a normal-looking teenager named Stephanie Germanotta. Oh how times have changed. *Coughs, nose job*.

Simon Cowell:

Seriously, what were you thinking? Nowadays, Mr Cowell isn’t exactly renowned for his fashion prowess, but back in the 80s, his sense of style was even more, shall we say, ‘subjective.’ He probably thought it looked good at the time. For the majority of us with common sense and EYES, we see the unfortunate nature of reality. Still, the 21st century Cowell is a mild improvement.

Anna Wintour:

Largely believed to be the inspiration behind the film The Devil Wears Prada, Anna Wintour is not to be messed with. However, back in whatever century this first photo was taken, it looks like Anna was messing experimenting with her style. Awkward, frumpy and slightly unsure of itself, her style in the 70s/80s was hardly Voguish.

Drake:

Now the subject of countless ‘they said I wouldn’t get a girl’ memes, rapper Drake’s 17-year-old self is a far cry from his modern-day alter-ego, who writes with Rihanna and has millions of girls all over the world lusting after him.

Ryan Seacrest:

Hold in your laughter! Talk about a transformation! Seacrest is virtually unrecognisable from his awkward high-school days. With the braces, the glasses and the chubby cheeks, he was a walking ‘geeky’ stereotype. Another guy who should be writing a love letter to puberty …

Jennifer Garner:

See above commentary of Ryan. Jennifer and Ryan would have been a well-matched couple if they met during their high school days. Before Garner became a glamorous actress, she was very 13 Going on 30 in her teenage years. See what I did there?

And the ones who got some ‘help’:

Demi Moore:

Demi Moore became the envy of thousands of women all over the world when she bagged Ashton Kutcher, who was 15 years her junior. However, Demi’s road to becoming one of the most beautiful women in the world wasn’t entirely down to good genes. No, it is believed that she spent a whopping $200,000 on plastic surgery to get her famous “Charlies’ Angels” body.

Joan Rivers:

Joan Rivers has been nipped and tucked more times than Britney Spears has flashed her knickers in public and the acid-tongued veteran comedienne doesn’t show any signs of ageing gracefully. Though surgical enhancements costing thousands of dollars, Joan’s former self has become a distant memory.

Zac Efron:

Zac may be to teenage girls what George Clooney is to the slightly older generation, but his good looks aren’t entirely natural. He had some dental work and an impressive nose-job to break into Hollywood.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom Renew Their Wedding Vows on Their 1st Anniversary-Party
Indulgence, Lifestyle, Ramblings, Reviews, Showbiz, Television

In Defence of the Kardashians | Jamie Tuohy

A number of years ago, Kris Jenner had the foresight and ambition to pitch an idea for a new reality show to Ryan Seacrest. It would involve cameras following her family around on a daily basis, giving viewers an insight into the pandemonium that exists within their household. It was snapped up and was to be called Keeping up with the Kardashians. And the rest, as they say, is history…

The Kardashians – a name, a brand, an empire, and often forgotten, a family. The modern day Brady bunch, who; through frenetic exercises in alliteration, cunning opportunism and unapologetic capitalism, have become media powerhouses, who protect and expand their brand very karefully. Whether you view them as deplorable testaments to anti-intellectualism, or as canny marketers who really are a loving family, behind all the drama; Kris, Bruce, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Rob, Kendall and Kylie are undoubtedly one of the most famous families in the world. Love them or loathe them, admire them or despise them, the Kardashians are an inescapable presence in twenty-first century popular culture, dominating the media world with tales of bust-ups, break ups and general sensationalism. 

Whether or not you Keep up with the Kardashians is a personal choice, but I for one, have spotted a family who has taken every opportunity that has come their way, advertising, promoting and selling everything from clothing to incontinence pads, all the while, embodying commercialism for all its gilded virtues, and you know what? I say why not?! And thus begins my defence of the Kardashians.

Kim and Co. have had every insult under the sun hurled at them – being verbally chastised by a world in which everyone is a critic goes hand in hand with being a Kardashian. Few onlookers will say that this family are twenty-first century role models, but instead claim that they are vile exemplars of the American Dream gone horribly wrong. For the most part, they’ll be viewed as a family, who have cashed in on the back of their daughter’s sex-tape and exist as definitive personas of immorality and classless vulgarity, showing no shame when it comes to making a dime. You blot your copy book once, eh?

Yes, everyone knows Kim had a sex tape, and everyone knows the infamous reality TV show that she and her family star in is a perceptible capitalisation on that. But what’s a girl to do? Live her life in shame and regret, refusing the opportunities that come her way? The Kardashian family, undoubtedly under the guidance of matriarch Kris Jenner decided to let the cameras into their lives and for the most part, their fame has been achieved by parading their private lives on screen for millions of viewers to see and squirm at. But that’s the thing – the viewers really are in their millions, squirming or otherwise. 

It’s because, behind it all, there’s something endearing about this family – the hilarious ‘airy fairy-ness’ of them, the mother who will do anything and fight anyone for her children, or the constructed moral that is taught in each episode – ‘don’t get Botox, don’t smoke, don’t drink underage, don’t go to Vegas for a tattoo without your parents’ consent, give back to charity and appreciate your blessings etc.’. Does the fact that Kim and her family let the cameras film their daily lives for a few months a year make them ‘cheap’, ‘vile’ and the butt of even more absurd profanity? If they’re ‘famous for being famous’, it’s because we have created them and made them popular.

From a sociological perspective, any one person or individual cannot be studied in complete isolation, but rather, has to be viewed and considered in terms of their cultural background and the society that created the Kardashians, is the very one that lays judgement on them. Without sounding Freudian or facetious, one could argue that the sole reason anyone speaks negatively of someone else is because they recognise in that person the qualities they so despise in their deeper self. And if I can borrow from Sigmund Freud once more, it’s likely that these characteristics are repressed within their own consciousness, so the disgust that is felt for Kim’s apparent disrespect for matrimony, could very well be a manifestation of one’s own ambivalence towards marriage. Kim says she is an idealist and believed in the fairy-tale – the general consensus is that her 72-day marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries was one of convenience, constructed  to add cash and further acknowledgement to the alliterative family empire.

I am in no way saying that every single person who loathes what this family stand for are simply subconsciously criticizing themselves, but equally, I’m not saying that a family whose recognition is the subject of much debate should be so grossly defiled and admonished. But if they stand for all that is wrong with the twenty-first century (which I don’t think they do), then we can only blame ourselves for letting Keeping up with the Kardashians become the most-watched reality TV show in the world. Whether we watch or not, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe are still going to continue in the fashion business and momager Kris will still manage her family’s affairs. Nobody is expecting them to change the world or lead us out of the global economic crisis – their show exists as entertainment and they are recognised figures within that epoch. If you don’t like it, don’t watch, don’t comment on the copious amounts of articles written about them and don’t waste your time spewing vitriol onto online forums, championing the ‘fall’ of the family or urging that their show be axed. If it’s not being talked about or watched, it will be axed, don’t worry – you can break the circle by biting your tongue. 

From reading online comments about the family’s main breadwinner, Kim, the main issue with her seems to be her capitulation to the patriarchy. That is to say that she has made her living through gaining the lustful affections of men and setting the Feminist Movement back decades with her conceding of the sexual objectification of women. Don’t get me wrong, I very much doubt that Kim Kardashian, or any of her sisters for that matter, would be half as rich or famous as they are now, if they didn’t trade, on some part, on their looks. But equally, I don’t think that they would have been as successful as they are without some canny calculation behind the beauty.

I think the Kardashian girls are pseudo feminists – yes, they have, in many ways, sacrificed themselves on the altar of the patriarchy and used their personal lives as monetary vehicles, but the patriarchy in which they operate, is ultimately one in which they exert dominative control. If everyone steps down from the moral high ground and emerges from the ivory tower, the majority of us would admit that if we could make $10,000 for sending a tweet, we’d do it. But Kim is ridiculed and abhorred internationally for doing so.

Some critics have even said that they are a twenty-first century role model of a stable family unit. I agree. The problem is that people fear that their children are looking up to this family and seeing the glitz and glamour of pampered celebrity and thinking that their kind of fame is accessible and more worryingly, aspirational. Make a sex tape, become involved in a sensational scandal and become famous right? If the Kardashians were nothing more than ‘media whores’, their time in the spotlight would have been incredibly shorter. Think of Paris Hilton, whose path to fame was identical to Kim Kardashian’s – but her 15 minutes have well and truly passed and the pampered heiress has virtually faded into oblivion. This is a family who has the business savvy to back up their seemingly ‘vacuous celebrity.’

Barabara Walters asked Kim, Kourtney and Khloe how they’ve come so far with no discernible talents to qualify their fame.  But the reality is that these sisters are famous because they are celebrity entrepreneurs, they were in the fashion business long before their television show hit our screens. Keeping up with the Kardashians is an entertainment show, nothing more, nothing less.  And the reality show is only the half of it. Their mother Kris Jenner has said that thanks to the show, these girls have been able to create an expansive and multi-million dollar fashion empire. Camilla Long, the Sunday Times columnist recently caused controversy when she said that Kim Kardashian was a better role model for young girls than Kate Middleton. She argued that Kim’s hard-working business etiquette was a better exemplar for young girls than Kate’s prim and proper educated background, saying,

“Sure’, the girls of St Mary’s, Calne, can be taught to impersonate the Duchess of Cambridge for fees of £30,000 a year, but is not hard-working Kim a better role model?”

And you know what? I’m not far behind Long’s appraisal. If these sisters were simply ‘famous for being famous’ or talentless bimbos, then any three sisters from Los Angeles could achieve what they have achieved, any celebrity who has made a sex tape could become the highest earning reality TV star of all time. But this has only happened to one family – The Kardashians. It has been stated that this family represent all that is wrong with Western society – from crass ostentation to loose morality. However, I see a family who are genius ambassadors for twenty-first century marketing. In all honesty, if I wanted a lesson in social media marketing, it’s to Kim Kardashian I would go to and not a Harvard business school. Anybody can have their 15 minutes, but few could sustain them in such a fashion as this family has.

Reality television in general is not something that I’m a huge fan of – Big Brother, while initially, was an interesting sociological experiment; has turned into a classless freak show for fame hungry wannabes. I’ve never watched Jersey Shore, but I think the old adage of not judging a book by its cover can be waivered in this case. The cover looks tatty and cheap. I’d be shocked if its contents were dissimilar. I can see why the Kardashians are ridiculed for being the agent provocateurs to the ‘dumbing down of civilisation’ and the dawning of a new type of worthless celebrity, but I think this is a misinformed judgement.

Unlike other reality TV shows, theirs is one in which lessons are taught and morals are preached. They may just be for the cameras, but at least the Kardashians osmotic influence is being put to good use and possibly being absorbed by impressionable youths. Make no bones about it, there are certainly more wholesome and suitable role models existing in popular culture today than the Kardashian brood, and say what you want about them, I for one think that they are an incredibly clever family, who despite what everyone believes, rely on brains as well as beauty. Kim, Kourtney and Khloe have an amassed Twitter following of over 30,000,000 users and they know exactly how to use them to further establish their brand. If they didn’t manipulate this fact, they’d be idiots. I would do the exact same thing! But I’m not trying to convince anyone to support the Kardashian brand or change their opinion of them – this family are doing fine as they are.

It boils down to this: if the Kardashians are not your kup of tea, then don’t switch on their kettle. They are a fascinating study in the sociology of fame and you can accuse them of mistaking their family for a brand, but I’d shake their hands for having the drive, determination and ruthlessness to dominate modern-day popular culture. Long live the Kardashians!

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karl and pippa
Lifestyle, Ramblings, Reviews, Showbiz

Karl Lagerfield’s Vile Comments about Pippa Middleton | Jamie Tuohy

As a man who looks like death warmed up, Karl Lagerfield’s comments on other people’s appearances can be a bitter pill to swallow. The 78-year-old, shallow Chanel designer, who came under fire after calling Adele fat, has hit the headlines once again – this time for criticising Pippa Middleton’s looks. 

The rude fashion mogul swiftly apologised to British singer Adele for his downright ignorant remarks, but he has been unyieldingly scathing in his opinion of Pippa Middleton.

Despite being a big fan of her sister, Kate Middleton, saying she has a “nice silhouette”, Lagerfield said that “her sister struggles”, adding “I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”

In an age where endless pressure is applied on girls to look a certain way and pertain to an unrealistic image of perfection, should a man with Karl’s influence really be making such idiotic and nasty comments? As the head of one of the world’s most prestigious fashion houses, he should have more respect and tact than to be so mindless of his position.

While Karl was nothing but complementary to Kate and also heaped praise on stick-thin Victoria Beckham for looking so slim after four children, his comments are sure to anger Pippa’s fans all over the world.

Pippa is a stunning woman and when such insults come from the same man who called supermodel Heidi Klum “too heavy”, it’s clear to see that he is nothing more than a bitter old prude who is quickly becoming irrelevant.

He may be a well-revered designer and some will elevate him to the status of creative genius, but, personally, I feel that’s as irrelevant as he is and surely that doesn’t give him a licence to dish out insults?

Karl has always courted controversy and even super snob Anna Wintour found his ideas ludicrous when he suggested that there should be a completely different shop for “sale items” to be stocked in, so people who buy things at full price don’t have to encounter those who are shopping for a bargain.

Insensitive, nasty, bitchy and rude and when you look like a stale pint of Guinness, you’re in no position to criticize. (Yes, I’m aware that I’m essentially exacting the same thing as Karl by calling him these names, but it’s merely a dose of his own medicine). A classless man who is severely out of touch with reality.

If beauty really is skin deep, then Mr Lagerfield is ugly from the inside out. Shame on you Karl, shame on you.

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