Music, Reviews, Showbiz

My favourite awful pop songs (that are really just guilty pleasures)

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By Jamie Tuohy

I have a confession to make, this post is billing itself as my favourite AWFUL pop songs, but in reality, these are probably my favourite songs full stop. However, for the purposes of self-preservation (which now seems rather pointless in the face of my revelation) and the feigning of any proper musical taste, I’ve decided to compile a list of the best 5 pop icons flops. From Kim Kardashian to Paris Hilton, sometimes songs are so dreadful that you have to look beyond the ear-ache-inducing clamour and just accept that they are simply genius and iconic.

Jam (Turn It Up) – Kim Kardashian

Not that I am in the business of likening Kim Kardashian’s musical efforts to significant events in Irish history, but when W.B. Yeats wrote of the Irish 1916 Rising that “a terrible beauty is born”, it seems a rather fitting description of Kim Kardashian’s hilarious attempt at singing. Sorry Willy. “I’m goin’ out tonight, it’s goin’ down, headin’ straight to the front of the line”, she mutters in the most deliciously monotone and uninterested voice you’ve ever heard. Watch the above video and try not to acknowledge how monstrously glorious this song really is. Thank you so much Kimberley, this really is a gift.

Stars are Blind – Paris Hilton

Ah, Paris. I remember the day the video for Stars are Blind premiered on MTV way back in 2006. I was 12 and on holidays in Bulgaria with my family. Of course, the only thing on my mind that day was how exactly I was going to see Paris’ debut. So, cunningly, as my family lounged by the pool, I suddenly came over all dizzy and clenched my stomach for dramatic effect. When my mother suggested I go to bed back in the apartment for a few hours, I reluctantly agreed and selflessly told everyone to stay by the pool. “I’ll be fine, I’ll just sleep it off.” Muahahahaha, you fools! As soon as I glided through the door and made some popcorn, I danced forebodingly around the apartment waiting for Paris to come on and wow me with her vocals. And wow me she did. Paris, you were my guilty pleasure in 2006 and in 2013, nothing has changed.

This Groove – Victoria Beckham

2003 marked a pivotal year for the Beckhams and indeed for me. As David signed his deal with Real Madrid, Victoria decided to head back into the studio and this was the beginning of my obsession with them. It was the kind of obsession that makes Directioners and Beliebers look sane. These were the days when Victoria’s D&G obsession was at its height and diamond-encrusted Jacob & Co. watches were synonymous with Posh ‘n’ Becks. When they released their Real Beckhams DVD, detailing David’s move to Spain and Victoria’s vocal exploits, it became a type of Bible for me. The Gospel according to the Beckhams was punctuated by the chimes of Victoria and This Groove is one of my favourites. Ah, it takes me back.

Let Your Head Go – Victoria Beckham *Amazing video alert, just sayin’*

Yes, I know, Victoria gets to appear twice, but I’m not going to lie; I’d fill this post up with her albums if I could. Let Your Head Go was released as a double-A side with This Groove and it’s probably one of Victoria’s best. I don’t mean to fill this paragraph with superlatives, but the video is mind-blowingly brilliant. It sees Victoria playing an exaggerated version of herself, where she tears up clothes and flowers, has nightmares where she sees her head on a crow, as she edges closer to a coveted OBE (remember David had just received one in 2003) and we get to see her being taken away by psychologists as she descends into an imagined madness. Hamlet say whaaah? If you watch one video from this post, make it Let Your Head Go. It will change your life. If you’re unwilling to watch it all (ARE YOU CRAZY??!), then skip to the end, where you can see Victoria sitting on a throne, polishing her crown. And that’s not a euphemism. How amazing is she?!

Insatiable – (KWEEN) Nadine Coyle

Okay, we all know how I feel about Nadine and I’m sure nobody thinks that I truly believe this song is awful or a guilty pleasure. I obviously adore this woman and think she’s flawlessly gifted, but I’m told this song is a dreadful flop (ugh, peasants), so it seems appropriate to include Insatiable as the final tune in this list. Nadine’s ‘exclusive retailing deal with Tesco’ failed to set the charts alight and Insatiable didn’t have the same industry impact as Cheryl’s debut song Fight for This Love did. But, bless, you have to love Nadine for trying. Apparently she recorded most of this song in her bathroom because ‘theeee acooosticks wur beytur’ and surprisingly you can’t even hear the sound of a toilet flushing in the background. Hair flicking, dodgy accents and mediocre marketing: it’s all perfection. Love you long time Nadine.

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Robbie
Music, Showbiz

Robbie and Ayda welcome daughter Theodora Rose | Jamie Tuohy

Robbie Williams has become a dad at the age of 39, as his 33-year-old wife Ayda Field gave birth to a baby girl earlier today.

Robbie announced the arrival of Theodora Rose Williams, short for Teddy, on his blog this evening, saying,

PRAISE BE, IT’S THEODORA ROSE WILLIAMS, AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS TEDDY…..

BORN 3.33PM ON 18.9.12, 7LBS 4OZ…

BABY, MUMMY AND DADDY ARE ALL ROCKIN….

THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEST WISHES

This is the first child for the couple, who married two years ago, after first meeting in 2006. Robbie, who spent the last week on a promotional trail for his clothing line Farrell, and performed a string of solo gigs, admitted in Ireland on Friday, that his daughter was “very nearly born today” and he had a jet on stand-by in case Ayda went into labour.

Congratulations Robbie and Ayda!

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Showbiz, Television

Dermot O’Leary marries Dee Koppang | Jamie Tuohy

After 10 years together, Dermot O’Leary married Dee Koppang yesterday in a ceremony which was billed as ‘intimate’, but yet was filled with the couple’s celebrity friends.

The bride looked stunning in a cream silk gown with lace detailing and as she kissed her groom outside St. Mary’s Church in Chiddingstone, Dermot looked dapper in a three-piece midnight blue suit.

Before the ceremony, Dermot was seen driving his own vintage Mercedes wedding car and arrived early to the church, so as to have a drink at the local pub before tying the knot, in true Irish style!

Shortly before entering the church, Dermot spoke to the locals who had gathered for a glimpse of the star and he posed for the waiting media, who had arrived en masse for the celebrity wedding.

Dermot’s producer and director bride, Dee arrived shortly after, flanked by her bridesmaids who looked pretty in light blue lace dresses. The ceremony, which was a traditional Irish Catholic ceremony, was followed by a reception at the nearby 15th century Chiddingstone Castle.

Dermot and Dee were joined by a host of celebrity friends for the nuptials which stipulated a dress code of “lounge suits and seasonal glamour.” Caroline Flack was very, shall we say, liberal with the dress code, as she turned up to the wedding in her ubiquitous shorts and blazer combo, looking gorgeous, albeit a tad underdressed for such an event.

Holly Willoughby and her Celeb Juice co-stars Leigh Francis and Fearne Cotton were all in attendance, as was actor James Cordon and adventurer Bear Grylls. Newly-weds Chris O’Dowd and Dawn Porter also turned up, looking chic and sophisticated in matching monochrome outfits.

Dermot had previously spoken out about his desire to settle down and become a married man, but confessed that he wouldn’t be leaving behind crazy party days, because there simply weren’t any. He said,

“There’s no sort of raucous bachelor days to put behind me when we get married. I love my girlfriend and the woman that will be my wife and we are really relaxed with each other.”

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Music, Showbiz

Tulisa on love and how she is an inspiration for “Broken Britain” | Jamie Tuohy

Tulisa Contostavlos has told Look magazine how she would give everything up to find love and said that she sees herself as an “inspiration for broken Britain.”

The 24-year-old singer confessed to the magazine that while her career is going from strength to strength, her personal life is stagnant and “numb.”

The singer and X Factor judge said, “Everything goes great in my career but my personal life has just been s***. Fame and money – I don’t give a c*** about all that stuff.”

“I’m not unhappy in the sense that I’m suffering from depression but I’m pretty numb at the minute. I just see myself in work mode, I’m like a robot: go in, work, go home. Autopilot.”

Tulisa, who split with Skins actor Jack O’Connell in June, also went on to describe how she views herself as a role model. She said,

“Why am I a role model? Because I have been myself. People are underestimating the kids of today – they’re not stupid.”

“I’m not an inspiration for upper-class kids whose parents don’t want them listening to an Eminem album. I’m an inspiration for Broken Britain.”

The Young singer, who was infamously crowned FHM’s Sexiest Woman in the World 2012 also revealed that she is entirely happy in her own skin and isn’t going to change for anyone.

The singer looks stunning in this old Hollywood photoshoot, exuding elegant glamour, but confessed that she prefers more comfortable clothing.

“I like to dress up, look glam and do shoots like this. I’m always going to be a hood chick. I like street clothes.”

“I’m comfortable in my skin, it just p***es me off that other people won’t accept it.”

She added: “You can see from the curves that I’m not working out – it’s just jelly! I swear on my mum’s life, I’ve never done a day’s exercise.”

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vic track
Showbiz

The shocking pictures of Victoria Beckham the world thought they’d NEVER see | Jamie Tuohy

Victoria Beckham usually never steps outside the door looking anything less than immaculately groomed in one of her signature creations, so it must come as huge shock to see the fashion designer in a tracksuit, perish the thought.

And breathe … yes, it’s true!

The woman who once said she’s never smile, wear a tracksuit or don flats was spotted in this uber-relaxed attire, as she dropped her son Brooklyn to tennis camp.

Looking more Sporty Spice than Posh Spice, the former singer retained her signature oversized shades, but otherwise, there wasn’t a pencil dress or stiletto in sight.

Anyone expecting an astronomical surge in the amount of luminous green trainers being purchased by soccer moms all over the world in the next few weeks?

Victoria smiling/smirking, in flats and in a tracksuit. She has broken her own fashion rules!

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Lifestyle, Reviews, Showbiz, Television

What I expect from Season 2 of Revenge | Jamie Tuohy

Here in Ireland, our national broadcaster has been showing the US hit drama Revenge at a steady and relatively speedy pace, with a double bill of retributive drama adorning our screens every Tuesday night. However, my appetite for its vengeful offerings was far greater than RTE’s weekly screening, so I decided to step out of the cave and enter the 21st century by watching the rest of the series online. How conformist of me.

I finally finished watching season 1 last night and Emily’s thorny (I promise you, I only realised after typing that word, what a beautiful pun it is – it really wasn’t intended) quest for justice looks set to continue into the series’ sophomore season. Now, rather than letting my excitement for the imminent series turn this post into a frenetic exercise in alliteration or a demonstration of my spontaneous word play, I’ve decided to cut straight to the chase, and follow the instructions of my blog’s name. More matter and less art, please Jamie.

Okay, there is no need to state just how brilliant and thrilling Mike Kelley’s Revenge is, and it’s safe to say that the season finale has whetted the appetites of millions of fans around the world.  However, mine has not just been whetted, but sharpened and seasoned with such zeal, that I’ve decided to foreshadow what’s in store for the Hamptons’ most beautiful people. (I think my affiliation for hyperbole could serve me well in Victoria’s inner circle). Here it is:

 

Season 2 will be opening with a wedding:

Mike Kelley has revealed that Season 2 will premiere with a wedding. I am hoping that the forthcoming nuptials will be those of my favourite opportunist, Ashley Davenport and ‘heir to the throne’, Daniel Grayson. Ashley has been Victoria’s lackey for long enough and I want to see her impeccable social climbing culminate in a Hamptons’ marriage. Hopefully she’ll get Daniel so drunk that he’ll marry her without being conscious of what he’s letting himself in for. I really hope that the creators of the show don’t make the wedding episode obvious by letting Jack and Amanda get married. We don’t want to see love (or a close second to love – we know Jack loves Emily more than Amanda), we want to see falsity and insincerity, created through marriages of convenience. Ashley and Daniel over Jack and Amanda, please!

 

Death and Victoria:

Victoria CANNOT die. Her ability to fight with Conrad in such a beautifully articulate and eloquent manner has me idolising this grammatically correct piece of perfection. Victoria is immortal. Such genius will never die. I predict that Victoria will be alive and well and will resurface in episode 2, which is appropriately entitled “Resurrection”. Victoria will probably have been smart enough to get off the plane before it takes off – perhaps a flashback to Conrad’s final words, in which he told her if she got on the plane, it will be the last thing she does will serve as the agent provocateur. However, I don’t expect Lydia to be as forward thinking and if anyone dies, IT WILL BE LYDIA.

 

Charlotte won’t die:

I don’t think Charlotte will die from an overdose. The early episodes of season 2 should see Charlotte in a hospital, after her ‘father’ Conrad made the 911 call. I also think that someone will discover Emily’s true identity and I think Charlotte is the only Grayson who has the true propensity for goodness, therefore I wouldn’t be entirely shocked if it were Charlotte who discovers just exactly who Emily Thorne is – and keeps her secret.

 

Emily will suffer at the hands of Takeda:

Nolan warned Emily to watch her back when it came to disobeying Takeda, so I’ve no doubt that he will resurface in a menacing manner to say the least. In the teaser clip for season 2, we are shown Emily tied to a wooden post under water and I’m 90% convinced that Takeda has something to do with this. Whether it’s a test of endurance for his protégée, or an act of villainy on his part, I’m undecided yet. Thoughts?

 

Ashley will have learned a thing or two from Victoria:

Whether or not Ashley marries Daniel is open for debate, but I definitely think these two will be an item in some shape or form in season 2. I think that we’ll see Daniel getting his hands dirtier at Grayson Global and I’m sure that Ashley will have a major part to play in it all.

The Loose Ends:

Here are a few certainties (well, I think so anyway).

Emily’s quest will extend beyond the Graysons in season 2. She’ll seek vengeance on a much larger scale, incorporating and undoubtedly trying to bring down the Americon Initiative which was mentioned in season 1’s finale. I think this will have some link to the clip shown in the teaser, as she appears to grapple with unknown forces. Of course, these could also be figures from Emily’s past.

Amanda is most certainly not pregnant with Jack’s baby. I think Takeda might be the father. He needed Emily to be emotionally uninvolved, especially with Jack. By getting Amanda pregnant and having her return, he knew Jack would do the honourable thing and stick with the girl who is apparently expecting his child. Too crazy?

I think the Grayson family will be extended – we’ll learn more about Victoria’s family and all about her past as Viccy Harper. Similarly, Conrad’s family before his marriage to Victoria should make an appearance.

 

Woah! That’s it guys! What do you all think? Do you agree with them? Or are you completely and utterly diametrically opposed to them? Tell me. I love all this ‘revengey’ stuff.

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Music, Showbiz

First Look at 2012 X Factor Contestants | Jamie Tuohy

Ahead of the beginning of tonight’s new X Factor series, I’m taking a look at some of the contestants who’ll be appearing on tonight’s show. The season premiere is promising an eclectic mix of wannabe superstars, all vying for a coveted YES from Louis, Tulisa, Nicole and Gary in their quest for stardom.

Zoe Alexander

Zoe Alexander is 22-years-old and she’s from Caerphilly, in South Wales. A Pink tribute act, she tells Louis Walsh that she wants to be known as a performer in her own right, and not as a celebrity doppelgänger. She says,

 “I have been doing the Pink tribute act for about two years now. It’s the best thing in the world when you love your job. Cause I get to perform, it makes me so happy and it makes other people happy and that makes me happy, I just want to please people. Doing well today would be an absolute dream come true, it means everything to me, it’s what I do, I’m not really very good at anything else, it means a lot to me.”

However, despite her declarations about wanting to be known as an artist in her own right, she sings Pink’s So What and her performance isn’t received well by the judges. She sings a second song, Emili Sande’s Next to Me, but she fails to impress the panel.

The judges appear confused with her identity issues, and Gary brands her voice ‘average’, which results in chaotic scenes. Zoe storms off the stage, screaming profanities at the judges and throwing her microphone on the ground. X Factor 2012 gets off to an explosive start!

Jahmene Douglas

Jahmene Douglas is a 21-year-old supermarket worker from Swindon and he wows the judges with his rendition of Etta James’s At Last. He admits that he’s a “stay at home kind of guy”, but overcomes his shyness to gain universal praise from the judges.

Louis calls him a “revelation” and Tulisa gushes, “You have not just The X Factor, not just raw talent but you have the shock factor. When you stepped on the stage you were like a timid little soul and you couldn’t express yourself, but you started expressing yourself the minute you started singing and it was freaking amazing!”

Gary adds, “Mate, I got to tell you I’ve never seen a vocal performance like that before, that was off the scale. You completely nailed it today. That is how to do an audition.”

I’m looking forward to seeing Jahmene’s performance tonight!

 Ella Henderson

Ella Henderson is only 16 and she astounds the judges with a song she wrote when she was 13. The Lincolnshire-based contestant says her late-grandad inspired the song.

Guest judge Mel B is impressed with Ella’s vocal and song-writing ability and tells her that, “It made me go into my own little world, and go Oh my God – I felt like that at one point, and that’s hard to do as a song writer. And when you sang it, you just made me believe every single word, I was right there with you. What we just witnessed was incredible, absolutely incredible.”

Gary’s comments tell her that she’s “out of this world” and Tulisa tells Ella that she wants to mentor her!

And there are plenty of lookalikes this year:

A girl called Ashley is told she looks like Tulisa, but says she works in a fish shop and hasn’t had any job offers yet. :/

Omar Rajpute fails to impress the judges, but they concede he’d do well in a Prince-themed week.

Alexander McLeish does his best Rod Stewart impression

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kardashians
Showbiz, Television

Kris Jenner is Planning her Funeral | Jamie Tuohy

The Kardashians have more meetings than Donald Trump and their latest family rendez-vous is the strangest one yet!

Momager Kris Jenner called a family summit, which will be broadcast on Sunday’s episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, to discuss the planning of her funeral.

She tells her bemused family, that,

“If something happens to me, you’re going to be hopefully sad about it – you’re not going to make the right decision. There’s a lot to do and I want to make sure everything’s organized if something happens to one of my family members.”

Kim, 31, extracts the Michael out her mother, telling her that there’s nothing to consider, because “you get in a coffin, you get in the ground – what do you want me to do?”

Rob and Khloe are similarly sceptical, and Khloe quips that her businesswoman mother should go into the “funeral business”, saying “let’s make some commissions on those plots, baby.”

Only in Kardashian land…watch a sneak clip here.

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london 2012
Lifestyle, Music, Showbiz, Television

The Greatest Show on Earth: Part 2 – What to expect from the Olympics Closing Ceremony | Jamie Tuohy

An estimated ONE BILLION people will focus their attention on London tonight, as the 2012 Olympic Games draw to a close. The Games were opened with a Danny Boyle-directed extravaganza, which offered an insight into the creation of modern Britain and they will close tonight with a star-studded production, involving the biggest British pop and rock icons in history. The theme is “a symphony of British music”, so expect Shakespeare, supermodels, the Spice Girls and a Rio carnival! Here’s what to expect from the Greatest Show on Earth: PART 2, with the action kicking off at 9pm:

All Hail Queen Victoria (oh, and the other four):

It’s no secret that the Spice Girls will be performing tonight, but prepare yourself for a SERIOUSLY SPICY SHOW from the five-piece. Victoria, Geri, Mel B, Mel C and Emma will open the closing ceremony on top of five black cabs. The girls will be surrounded by a ‘rush-hour London’, as commuters and lollipop ladies fill the environs. Victoria and Co. will be singing/miming two of their biggest hits – Wannabe and Spice Up Your Life. Landmarks will be recreated, such as the Tower of London as the Spice Girls finish up, and the Kinks’ Ray Davies will sing Waterloo Sunset and Julian Lloyd Webber will play Elgar’s Salut D’Amour on the cello. Expect to see the Thames flowing through the stadium, made up of young children in costume.

It’s about to Get Shakey:

If you thought Mrs Beckham was POSH, she hasn’t got anything on one, Mr William Shakespeare! Shakespeare’s sonnets will decorate the stadium, along with Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and Dickens’ Great Expectations, all of which will be inscribed around the venue, in a tribute to British literature. Perfection.

So much Music, we could PASS OUT:

Amongst the 30 performers expected to belt their little hearts out tonight, will be rapper Tinie Tempah, who will perform with Jessie J on the back of a white Rolls Royce convertible. Classy. And fresh from showcasing his vocals alongside Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages, Russell Brand will be performing the Sex Pistol’s hit Pretty Vacant and roller-skating nuns will whizz around the stadium. WELL I NEVER…

Super Athletes and Supermodels:

Not forgetting that these Games are actually about the 10,000 competing athletes, the competitors will march around the arena to Elbow’s hit One Day Like This and some of the most iconic British songs in history will punctuate the three-hour long extravaganza. Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Annie Lennox, Take That, One Direction, Kate Bush, Oasis and many more will either be there to perform, or have their music played to the 1bn T.V. audience. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, London is, after all, one of the world’s major fashion capitals, so Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Karen Elson, Stella Tennant, Jourdan Dunn, and Lily Cole will be putting on a fashion show.

This is Just Carnivalesque:

To celebrate Brazil’s hosting of the 2016 Games, there will be a Rio de Janeiro-themed carnival. Literally cannot wait. I’m not sure if anyone is ready for this!

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Music, Showbiz

Harry’s Ex Set To Divorce Husband | Jamie Tuohy

It has emerged that the British radio DJ who allegedly had an affair with One Direction’s Harry Styles is now getting a divorce from her husband. 

Lucy Horobin is believed to have had a brief fling with Styles in the summer of 2011, following an interview she conducted with One Direction. The affair only lasted for a few weeks, but following the revelations, it has been reported that 33-year-old Horobin will divorce her 31-year-old husband, Oliver Pope.

Apparently, Harry became infatuated with the radio DJ and after exchanging flirty text messages, Horobin began an affair with the 18-year-old singer, telling him she was separated from her husband.

When the allegations broke, neither party made any official statement, but it was widely reported that Horobin’s husband called Harry a “predator” and a “scumbag”.

Meanwhile, Harry has reportedly given up his cougar-chasing, after finally getting a girl his own age – Burberry model Cara Delavigne. He has been spotted with the stunning 19-year-old and it is widely believed that the two are in a relationship.

Harry has made a name for himself as a bit of a ladies’ man, following his high-profile relationship with Xtra Factor presenter, Caroline Flack, who he was also seen partying with at mate Nick Grimshaw’s birthday party at the weekend, in London’s exclusive Groucho Club.

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